For the first time since I started blogging I don't feel like posting. Even my mind posts that used to haunt me in my bed, car, work… etc have stopped.
She caught me. She used to check out my blog from time to time. Had a few doubts that it was me but I kept denying and affirming that "since when did I have the ability to write both in Arabic and English?" And she believed me.
I tried to post in a vague way. There were so many details I wanted to talk about but hid them so that she wouldn't catch me. In the past few weeks, she stopped checking mine. So I felt a little freer in posting without so much repression. Before a few days, and after my latest post she called me and told me for sure that I am Flamingoliya. This time I couldn't hide it cos she spent the whole afternoon checking my whole blog finding endless clues that it was me. I tried to deny it like I used to do.
Although she already knew it was me, she needed my affirmation. It was hard for her to believe that it was really me all this time and she didn't know. "How did you keep it private all this time? Why didn't you tell me? I introduced you to the blog world and you owe it to me to tell me!"
She made me confess that it is really me. She threatened to tell the whole world if I hadn't. So I with all my weakness submitted to her command. One person knowing is much better than many. But, do I feel like blogging the way I used to? No. Do I feel like commenting like before? No. I am censored now. I am read now. I am judged now. I am followed by a fly; a fly that sticks on my juicy fruity lipstick. I try to wave it away, I try to ignore it but it still flies back. I thought of removing my lipstick, but I hated it when other bloggers did. I thought of stopping wearing lipstick but here I am wearing it again. I thought of changing the brand of my lipstick, but she would recognize me again.
She will be reading this post. I know she would be laughing the whole way and would end up saying "ya 7mara hahaha!"
We made a deal that she wouldn't tell anyone. She accused me of disloyalty but I knew that a secret cannot be kept between two. Especially when it is told to a blabber mouth (you know you are, so please don't get upset). I even know that even secretive people may expose information unintentionally.
Maybe she knowing that I am Flamingoliya would make me more open to some stuff that I used to hide from her to preserve my anonymity here. You see, there were a lot of events happening to me in real life that I stopped telling her so that I would share it with bloggers. She over heard me once telling a story to someone and told me that she read that story at Flamingoliya's blog "you are Flamingoliya!"
Maybe she knowing who I am now would make me more reserved since I don't like sharing all my feelings with her. She will be able to know the reasons behind my different moods. She will be able to know why my eyes are red and puffed. She will know why I'm eating too much chips and chocolate. She will know why I'm late for work.
I lost my privacy. I lost my diary. I lost my real self; I lost Flamingoliya. (Doesn't this phrase make you want to cry?)
She didn't understand why her knowing who I am disturbed me. She thinks that my blog is normal and that there's no reason for hiding it. She doesn't understand that despite my kind of blog, it is my private world that I dwell in alone. It is my anonymity that I am enjoying. It is my people's applause. It is people's love and admiration. It's my secret hideaway. She cannot get that. Not all people get it. But many do. If she were one of those who do, I wouldn't have been reluctant to tell her.
And again dear folana, this is my blog and don't come questioning me why I wrote this post. Ehhh don't even comment on it, cos you know why!
